Saying “Goodbye” – Let go and let God.

Lyrics to “Goodbye”

“It’s hard to say it, but the time has come to finally lay aside this borrowed burden. For it is just my pride to think that I could fight and win a war that was never even mine. For far too long I was your wounded soldier. Willing to be broken for the cause I see. But you refused to fight and left me barely alive, wondering when the battle became about me. 

So I’m letting you go. Goodbye. I can’t carry you. I wasn’t meant to go this far. But I still love you, I’ll always believe in you.

I tried to show you but you wouldn’t see, and with each denial you are killing me. And yes I’m hurt, but even worse, that you still refuse to fight alongside me. 

So I’m letting you go. Goodbye. I can’t carry you. I wasn’t meant to go this far. But I still love you, I’ll always believe in you.”

As a songwriter, writing songs about my feelings and life circumstances is an automatic default in processing  them. I wrote this song a few months ago as I was processing the “letting go” of a couple people in my life. One person in particular is someone with whom I should have shared an absolutely irreplaceable bond with.

It took me years, many years, to work up the courage to say “Goodbye” to this person, and it wasn’t without a fight on my part. I have always been the type of person to believe the best in people. I believed that one day my hope and fight for a healthy, life-giving relationship with them would melt their heart and all would be as it should have always been. It wasn’t until I learned that not only was that approach not working, but that it was actually doing more harm than good. It was a punch to the gut when I realized, “I’m fighting so hard for someone who won’t even stand on the battle field with me” – not even a pinky toe.

I looked at my emotional battle scars with revelation that I had been fighting a war that wasn’t mine to fight. It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried hard enough, or that I wasn’t a strong soldier. This war had absolutely nothing to do with me.

There are so many reasons why people hurt others, can’t commit, run away and even purposefully sabotage relationships.  The turning point for me wasn’t when I realized that’s what was happening, but that no matter how hard I tried or wanted otherwise, there’s was nothing I could do to change it. I hadn’t given up.  I wasn’t defeated.

I was on the wrong battlefield.

I will never be able to heal a person’s past and remove their filter of brokenness through which everything is sifted through. I’ll never love someone so much that it fills the hole where only God can fill.

After countless unfruitful, and painful attempts to administer the “cure”, God gently showed me that in this case, my personal involvement wasn’t helpful, but harmful… to them and most definitely myself.  In general, Im happy and positive, but the more I poured my life and emotions into the situation, I became increasingly defeated, frustrated and wounded, and my roommate/ best friend would have to help me put the pieces back together…often.

Enough.

With God’s help I explained to this person that even though I love them, I could no longer fight this fight. Boundaries were put in place and the wounds are healing. I still fight for them, but from a distance. I pray hard. Only God can do what only God can do. I still believe the best and hope for the best. After all, God is the great Redeemer and Restorer.

The hardest part was finding the courage. But courage isn’t about not having fear, but still moving forward despite fear.

Let go and let God.

 

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